After dozing off around 1:30 with Naty on one side and Ella on the other, I heard my phone ringing in the distance. It was one of those times where you're having a dream and you start getting annoyed because there's a ringing and you can't seem to pinpoint it. The ringing finally pulled me out of my dream and I stumbled around blindly for my phone. I squinted at the screen and realized it was my sister calling me. I groggily said "hello?" and of course she answers with "You're up, right?" "What time is it??" I asked. I knew I was not going to like her answer. "It's 3:50!" I was suddenly yanked out of the sleepy stage I was in and I tried to throw my legs off the side of the bed. This was not done easily however because as I stated earlier, Naty was on the right and Ella was on the left. I said a quick prayer that I wouldn't jolt Ella out of her peaceful slumber and jumped out of the bed. By this time, Doug awoke to my frantic screams and he quickly jumped in the shower. We got ready, packed and was out the door in 40 minutes.
Our trip down here was pretty uneventful. Amidst the tears and prayers I kept staring at Ella trying to memorize her every feature. I was so worried. Would this time be successful? Would something go wrong? My head was a mix between prayers to the good Lord and worries, and then prayers again for worrying. Everything was in God's hands, like it's always been. I honestly didn't know how I was going to feel if they were unable to complete the surgery. I try to be a faithful and Christlike christian but like all humans we fail. Would I get mad? Would I question God's decision? I didn't know todays outcome and that probably worried me more than anything.
We arrived at the hospital.....on time......and got ready to go through the procedure......again. We've done this so many times that it has become a routine. But in all honesty, if your child's going to have surgery, Egleston is an awesome place. Everyone and everything has always been great.
We made a nest in the corner (not our usual corner though because apparently we weren't THAT early) and waited. That's all we could do. Every now and then Ella would let out a little cough and Doug and I would exchange nervous glances. Every time she would do that I would send up a prayer to the good Lord that everything was going to be ok. Deep down though I knew that things weren't going to be.
When we were escorted into the room we told the surgeon, Dr. Todd, about her cough. He listened to her lungs and came to the conlusion that she sounded clear but he stated he would have to talk to the anesthesiologist. "If all I had to deal with was the ears, everything would be fine. But unfortunately all that's connected and we need to make sure she'll be ok when she's sedated," he told us. After speaking to the anesthesiologist, she ordered a breathing treatment and decided that it was ok to proceed.
After receiving the albuterol (through a cute turtle mask I might add) they came in with the "relaxation" medicine. Boy, I wished they could give that to parents too. Now don't you think that would make more sense?? A worriesome parent is always an annoying one and it wouldn't take no time to fix that all with the happy juice. Apparently they don't think that way. They dosed her up and all it took was a few minutes for the medicine to start taking effect. After our pastor, Dr. Larry Hibberts came in and calmed our nerves, we were ready to send her into the surgeon's hands. As we were walking back out to the waiting room, there wasn't peace that enveloped me, it was more like a wave of nauseous.
We received a phone call about 45 minutes later that they had just started. So far so good. Right? We continued to cross our fingers and pray for the next 30 minutes. We were suddenly motioned by the waiting room attendee. She informed us that Dr. Todd wanted to see us in the family counsel room that "Everything was fine, he just has a question." This being our 5th surgery we knew that Dr. Todd doesn't just stop the surgery to ask a question. We stole a quick glance at each other and followed her out the door and across the hallway to the family counsel rooms. She told us not to worry that everything was ok but we knew better than that. We sat down on the couch and tried to brace ourselves. We sat there and tried to come up with reasons that he would halt the surgery but in the back of our minds, we knew. After 5 minutes of mind wrenching waiting, the anesthesiologist came in with a grim expression. She started off by saying unfortunately. Nothing good ever comes out after that. You don't hear "Unfortunately............you've won a neeeeeeewwww car!" Nope it doesn't happen. She continued to explain to us that while she didn't really show any signs of being sick, apparently she was. While she was under anesthesia, her oxygen levels kept dropping. 99,97,96,95, and finally 94. Dr. Todd made the final decision to close her on up. It was too risky. If they continued with the surgery it would cause her oxygen level to drop even lower and we all know what happens when the brain doesn't receive the needed oxygen. She could end up in ICU and worse.
While I understood what she was saying, and agreed I might add, my heart was breaking. All I could think of was that this was the 2nd time she had been cut open, same scar, with nothing to show for it. What was going on?? Was this not meant to me. As the anesthesiologist said her final "I'm sorry," and left the room I couldn't stop the tears. Tears of frustration, tears of anger, and tears of just pure agony. Why? That was the one thing that kept popping in my head. Was it just not meant to be? Was my baby girl supposed to be deaf?? A little voice inside of me whispered "it's not her time." We all get so caught up in our daily life that we forget who's really in control. We forget to ask God what HIS plan is. This life we lead is not for us, it's for him.
As I sit here watching her through the "cage" (hospital crib) with a huge bandage on her head, I ponder what our next move's going to be. I am ready to move on, to get over this 'woe is me' attitude and think about the future. My daughter WILL get a cochlear implant and she WILL hear and talk and do all the things that little girls are supposed to. Why you ask? Because I am a mother who has faith in my heavenly father and who does anything, and I mean ANYTHING to give her the best opportunity that I possibly can. God gave man the knowledge and the ability to perform these wonderful surgeries and he has chosen my kids to be a voice. A voice for the deaf and a voice to the hearing. She has the best of both worlds and I will be right beside ALL my kids when they follow what God has laid out for them.
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