I knew the title would get every one's attention. :) Can I just add that the past few days leading up to today has triggered my anxiety. I am not ashamed to admit that for the past year I have had anxiety attacks on and off. I believe they started when I was going to the Atlanta Speech School 4 days a week. There's always these thoughts floating around in my mind like, "Will I make it on time? Will I hit traffic? What if I have to stop and go to the bathroom, I'm going to have to get Naty or both kids out with me?! I won't make it!" Sadly these thoughts flooded my head until I would be having a full blown anxiety attack.
This year Natalie is going 5 days a week from 8:05 to 2:20. This means I have to leave around 6:30 in the morning which means I have to get up around 5-5:30. Some of you make think, oh that's not too bad. It is when you don't go to bed till midnight every night. That is not because I want to, that is because I have a night owl for a daughter who by the way sleeps with me as well as her baby sister. I have too much to do to go to bed early. I can't help but sit here reminiscing about the days when I would snuggle under my cold blanket and read a good book till I fell asleep. Of course that was 10 years ago, before Cayli, but I remember it like it was yesterday. Now my nights are spent laying under the cold blanket with my teeth clenched trying not to lose my temper as I struggle to keep Ella on my left side and Naty on my right. Natalie also likes to play with my phone at night so just in case you get a late night phone call from me, don't worry about calling back...it was Naty.
This morning was a toughie. I fell asleep with my clothes on, necklace around my neck, and contacts clinging to my eyes. So when I woke up I was feeling like I had been hit by a golf cart. As soon as I stepped in the shower, the thoughts started intruding into my brain. All I could do was pray and ask God to stand by me through whatever the day brings. I had all these things to do before I left and no time to do them. As I finished getting ready and bolt out the door, already late might I add, I knew that today was going to be rough.
Today I had both girls with me which really added to the anxiety. Knowing that I couldn't pull over if I had to go to the bathroom was making me have to go to the bathroom. Does that make sense?
I found a remedy while I was driving down the road that worked for a little while. You're gonna laugh.........smiling. Just imagine seeing a woman with sweat beading on her forehead driving down the interstate looking like a total fool. That's how I felt but hey, it actually helped the anxiety subside if even for a few minutes. I made it to the school and on time at that.
After arriving everything worked out pretty well. If you don't count Ella crawling all over the auditorium and me trying to keep her entertained while the director talked about the upcoming school year. We finished orientation with a pizza party with the kids and left for the day.
On a good note, I got to see lots of familiar faces and reconnect with the other parents/
And no, my day did not get much better after that when I got home but I've talked enough on that.
On a more serious note, anxiety attacks are not fun. You will not ever meet someone who enjoys having one. They are real and more people have them than you think. You feel like you are going to die, that nothing can help you, and your chest starts to tighten up. The more you try not to think about the problem the worse it gets. Believe me the drive to Atlanta in the mornings are like being in a jail cell sometimes. Nothing to distract you but the radio and the traffic.
But I'm always reminded by the saying "This too shall pass." Every day is a new day and we never know what it will bring.
